7/29/17

I Lied-a poem from the heart of 12 year old me


           Last week I was going through a flash drive of mine and reading old files, when I found a number of poems I had written when I was twelve. Half of them were poorly composed fluff, but one of them stuck out to me… After some thought I decided I was going to publish that poem on here, I cut it up and rearranged it a bit, because it was very long and a bit repetitive, but other than that I changed nothing. Here is a poem from the heart of twelve year old Gray:

I Lied

Fears, they come in the form of tears.
Salt water leaking out of my heart, and into your hands.
Why was I ever so stupid enough to let you in?
To let you see so deep within my heart?
Why did I ever trust you when I was so blue?
I just can't touch the way I feel about you inside.
I've always been one to hide.

So I lied.

I told you I felt nothing.
But all I ever really do is hide behind that mask I always wear,
I have chosen to live in fear.

You asked me to take my mask down, but I was scared that you might frown.
Would you turn your back, If you saw that my heart was truly black?
You said no, so I let you in.
You screamed when you saw within.

I've always thought of myself as an apple, shiny red.
Perfect from the outside until you see inside my head.
I'm full of maggots-of sins.
Sometimes I wish I could just rip off my skin.

You say you love me despite my flaws.
But I see it.
I see the fear in your eyes, your love for me will soon wither and die.
You ask me if I'm okay,
I say I'm fine, that you are right,
my hurt didn't doesn't define me.
But guess what?

I LIED.

          That poem really made me think, true, I am more of a drama queen and this poem was probably just one of my hysterics, but the thought that I at some point felt like this kind of hurts.

         Who did I write this poem about? I don't know. I think I wrote it about how I couldn't keep most friendships together when I was twelve. I remember being really depressed about that, most girls my age didn't seem to like me, I grew up an outcast.

         Why did I decided to publish my poem on here? Because I know I wasn't the only one who felt this way, and I know others still do feel this way. I still feel this way sometimes. The “Sometimes I wish I could just rip off my skin.” part really hits close to home about how I feel when I sin or mess up.

           I'm not perfect, and I'll never be perfect. I feel like social media often makes people look perfect, even blogging. After all, how often do you see a blogger saying that they broke a promise or stole? How often do you see a post on instagram or facebook saying that someone failed their math test? Not often. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be if you let yourself believe that everyone else is always happy and their life is always sunshine and roses, because it's really not. Do you wanna know a secret? Those who look the most put together on the outside, are usually the ones shattering on the inside.

           Everyone is hurting in some way or another. But it always gets better, I promise. In fact, sometimes sadness or pain can turn out to be a blessing. It helped me discover my passion for writing, because I started writing as an escape from my loneliness in public settings, and then I ended up connecting with people through my stories and enjoying myself (more of that story in a future post)!

            My message for this post: don't give up. Everyone's been there, you're not alone. In fact, you were never alone.

            Happy Writing,


36 comments:

  1. *sniffs* This sums up how I felt when I was about ten, and then again when I moved to where I lived now. I'm so sorry you had to feel that way... but poetry helps. It really does. :) Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Poetry does help. I'm sorry you had to feel that way too, but it does build character and brings you closer to God. :)

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  2. Wow, this is a really powerful poem! It's clear you've always been talented at writing. :) I've felt many similar emotions to the ones you expressed, and learning that I wasn't alone was definitely a key lesson of my younger years. Thanks so much for sharing, Gray! <3

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    1. Aw, thanks, Melissa! I think it's important for people to know they're not alone, hopefully this post and its comment section will help someone heal!

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  3. Wow, this is really profound Gray...and that poem really got me to be honest! <3 I'm kind of bleary eyed right now, hehe. I think you struck home! You made some great points that I think should be made more often, thanks for sharing Gray <3

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    1. Oh, wow. I cried too, but I didn't expect others to cry for some reason. I do hope it helped like it helped me to write this.
      Thank you for reading.

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  4. You made me tear up a bit... I never tear up like that. I feel so connected to what you said about friendships. I had a hard time keeping friends. I was outcast. I was different. My only friends were actually bullies. Maybe I'll do a post about it someday. About how people shouldn't stick with friends like that.

    I'm so glad I met you through this blogosphere. (Is that the right way to say it?) I always look forward to talking with you. This post is amazing and you've inspired me to maybe share more of the downs in my life instead of just the ups because I can guarantee you that I have a lot of downs, especially in this season of life.

    Your post is amazing and keep being you. God bless you, Gray.
    <3

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    1. Thank you, Ivie. I'm sorry you had to go through that too, I know your pain. I'm glad this inspired you to share that kind of stuff about your life, people need encouragement and inspiration like that!

      I'm super glad I met you too!! I always look forward to your posts and your thoughtful comments. I hope your downs turn into ups soon!

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    2. Thank you! Today was an up. We went out to celebrate my graduation and my siblings finishing up for the summer. i went to look for cowgirl boots. Still on the hunt, but it was a really good day.

      Thank you for your encouraging posts. I always look forward to them. <3

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    3. I'm glad you had a good day! And that sounds really fun, I hope you find that perfect pair of boots!

      And you're welcome, thank you for your funny and informative posts, I always enjoy reading them, as well as talking to you in the comment section!

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    4. Thank you! I enjoy talking to you in the comments, too.

      We're going to try Boot Barn, I think. We tried academy, but they only had one pair of women's boots. They were pretty, but they were also work boots, so they felt a little heavy.

      I'm glad you think my posts are informative. I always worry that someone will get mad. <3

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  5. Ouch. That poem cut deep.
    I totally get the mask analogy. I'm slowly ripping mine off, and it's kinda painful. Honestly, though, I think it's helping me make better friends.
    I second that last phrase in your post. Cause it's true.

    Catherine
    catherinesrebellingmuse.blogspot.com

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    1. I really hope it helps, it makes me happy when my past pain can be present healing for others.
      I still get my mask analogy, I can't believe twelve year old me could dive that deep. I also think being transparent helps with relationships.

      That last phrase in my post is true, and I can state that with confidence, because its always been and always will be true.

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  6. Sheesh. You really know how to make people think.

    "I told you I felt nothing.
    But all I ever really do is hide behind that mask I always wear,
    I have chosen to live in fear." —Is this about depression? I mean, this is how I tend to feel when I start to get depressed again. I do live in fear when I see others and start to dislike myself. I know i don't have to be chained to that, but at times I just feel like no one will like me unless I'm different. I feel like they don't like ME.
    I hate you felt this way. (I mean, I'm guessing you did.)
    I tend to write poetry when I'm sad. I dunno why. I just do. One poem's pretty sad. (It got really good, but it still cuts deep when I look back on how I was feeling.)*sniffle*
    God will get me through the fear. I just have to believe that he'll help me take it off. Like Catherine said, it can be really painful. I'm slowly coming through how I've been feeling and I feel a freedom that I never want to leave. it's so hard sometimes, though.
    God Bless you all.<3
    (Thanks for the post, Gray!)

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    1. I don't know if I was depressed, looking back I wouldn't say so, I think I was sort of going through an identity crisis. I didn't know who I was or who I was suppose to be, and I was scared no one would like me for the real me. Thankfully, I've gotten better and right now my life is calm.

      I know exactly how you feel! It's hard to be yourself, because some people will hate you for it, but don't worry, the right kind of people will love you for it. ❤️

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    2. That's good that things are better for you, Gray. <3

      When someone rejects you, it's hard not to feel like everyone will. It's kind of sad...
      Thanks for the support! *hugs*
      I have friends and they're the best I could ever ask for. They support me, care about me, and accept me for who I am. I don't feel like I have to change for them. :)

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    3. So true. *hugs back* I'm glad you have friends like that!

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  7. 12 year old you wrote this? Wow, your writing now must be fantastic since when you were 12 your writing was so good!

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    1. Well, I hope I've improved... I'm not too sure though! :P

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  8. Wow, this was really good... Really hit home with me. Poetry is such a great way of expressing feelings. This was great!
    Indigo

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    1. Poetry is a really good way to express your feelings! :)

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  9. Quite right, quite right. The only advice I can give is to always learn from others' mistakes (as well as your own) and to always think about others before you think about yourself. I broke that second rule for a time, even without ever intending to, and I hurt a really amazing person and ruined that friendship.

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    1. That is so true. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I've made similar mistakes like that too. I guess at that point all we can really do is pray.

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  10. I like your poem and I understand what you said about friendships. My parents raised me similar to an adult, so I have always been different than others my age. I've never really had friends, a few 'contacts', but not really any friends. Although, I have goats. They are a lot more friendly than people sometimes. And sometimes cleverer too.

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    1. My parents sort of did that, but since I ended up spending half of my time with little kids when I was younger, I can now act older or younger depending on who I'm with.

      That must be hard though, but at least goats are fun! Especially the kid goats, those little guys are adorable!! :D

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    2. They are adorable!
      Little kids love me, so I get invited to parties where I am surrounded by 5 year olds. I can either act 14 or 4 depending on what I feel like.

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    3. Same here! But let's be real, most five year olds are nicer and more fun anyways... lol.

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  11. This was deep and touching! I always love it when writers share pieces of their hearts like this.

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  12. That was a far better poem that I could write when I was twelve, and believe me, I tried to write them. I think you captured a feeling that maybe a lot of people have felt when something is hurting them on the inside, but then if asked what's wrong, they just say, "I'm fine. Nothing's wrong." Very thought-provoking and a good reminder!

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    1. Thank you. I'm not the best at writing poems, which is why the others I found aren't posted on here...

      It made me think too.

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  13. Omg... I really love this post. It's sort of like an arrow that just passed through my heart. I think my case is similar to yours. Writing was sort of like me escape route from a snobby world. I'm glad I discovered this blog. I'll be a faithful follower.

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    1. Yep, that was exactly why I started writing too, after that, the escape turned into something I loved, so, it was a win.

      Thank you, I'm glad to have you here! :)

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  14. WOW. Gray. That was amazing. I relate a lot to this. Whenever people ask me if I'm okay, I always say I'm fine... Even if I'm hurting. Man. You wrote this when you were twelve? O.o

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    1. I do the same thing, but it's not healthy... I need to stop that.

      Yes, I did.

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