2/15/18

How to Be Perfect

 
         When I was younger I was under the impression that when I became a teenager, I would also become perfect.
 
 
        My disappointment stung when I looked into the mirror one day and just saw me.
 
Uncertain.

Insecure.

Scared.

Flawed.

Imperfect.

     I want to be perfect, not so much for others, but for myself. I want to feel flawless. I want to be brilliant, funny, beautiful, intelligent, talented. I want to be the prime example of perfection.  


But I’m not.
 
      Every day I tell myself that school doesn’t define me, but every day I feel it crushing me more and more. I feel like I’ve been thrown into a furious black, freezing river and mathematics are the weights tied around my waist—they pull me down and down, it doesn’t matter if I’m a strong swimmer, I’m still going to drown.
 
     I want to be intelligent, but how can I when I spend an hour re-working the same simple problem over and over and over and over again because I cannot get it right? 

      How can I when I am re-sending an assignment because I misunderstood the instructions and expectations for a third time?

     How can I when I am auditing a class because I cannot grasp anything despite the hours of my teacher helping me through problems and the hours of me studying the same module over and over again?
     How can I when girls around my age are already talking about college and I am just trying to pass my freshman year of high school?
 
      I feel worthless, and sometimes I convince myself that I am.

      The other day I was walking past a gentleman at my church, he greeted me and asked me how I was.
 
       I told him I was good.
      But he looked at me and said, “No, how are you really?”
     
     The question caught me off guard. I’m so use to giving my normal robotic answer, most people don’t really care to know how you really are, it’s just a greeting, it’s just a meaningless greeting.

I am….

     Stressed. Down. Angry. Confused. Depressed. Flawed. Imperfect. Unworthy. Unlovable.
 
     I don’t know why I feel like this. I wish I did, but here I am. I’m broken. I’m so, so, so broken.

    I am shattered, fragments of me cover the ground. I feel unfixable.

    My imperfection angers me. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to struggle with school, I don’t want to be insecure, I don’t want to feel like I’m useless.

     Questioning the creator. That’s what my mom said when I asked why on earth out of all of the thousands of way better people would God care about me. 

So, now you’re questioning the creator?    


  Am I? Is questioning myself also questioning Him?   
 
"I praise you because I am perfectly and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”-Psalm 139:14


       I am perfectly and wonderfully made. I am here for a purpose, and I don’t know why yet, but my life isn’t a mistake… and neither is yours.

        Look, I don’t know where you are in your life right now. I don’t know what you’re struggling with, but I do know that you’re here for a purpose, whether you know it or not.
  

     Today I wanted to give up, but I’m here. I’m here. Not by mistake.


      We’re people, we’re children of God, not mistakes. And one day we are going to look back and think, I made it. YOU are perfectly and wonderfully made.

         The God who made the universe decided to put you in it, do you think he made a mistake?
 
      We’re going to make it. I’m going to make it. You are going to make it. 


      Our lives are worth so much, even if it is hard to wrap your head around that right now. So just breathe. Do you feel the air filling your lungs, leaving, and returning again? That’s perfection.
 
       How are you?



      How are you really?
 

39 comments:

  1. Gray I hundred percent relate, this is me right now. <3 Slowly we'll make it out, step by step, day by day, month by month, year by year and we will have mounted mountains the size so great that looking back will be amazing. xxx This post was amazing xxx

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  2. I love this post so much, Gray! I really felt like this after I became a teenager, especially when I turned 16. I just thought I would be...perfect...when I was 16. But I'm not. I'm a mess and I'm stressed out 90% of the time and there's a billion things I wish I could change about myself.

    But what will that do? God has made me just as I'm supposed to be, and I need to remember that.

    Thank you for this beautiful reminder <3

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!

      Yes, it's so easy to forget that He has it under control.

      You're welcome, thanks for your comment.

      Delete
  3. I really felt this way when I was in grad school. I literally got ripped from the top of my game to being on the bottom. While I was flying high and enjoying senior year of college, I crashed only months later. It was not a really pleasant feeling. I didn't feel any better until I spent several weeks at home - where I'm pretty sure God was calling me in the first place.

    Not my will, but Thine be done. That is how we all will attain perfection.

    This was such a wonderful post, Gray!

    Catherine
    catherinesrebellingmuse.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Wow, I'm so sorry that happened!

      Yes, that is very true. <3

      Thanks. ^_^

      Delete
  4. This was too relatable for me it hurts. The past few days have been better days, but I know how hard it can be. When I had problems with anxiety, I questioned too many times to count why I was here? What was my purpose? I often wondered if people would be better without me. It wasn't as though I was going to do something to myself. I knew I would never be able to bring myself to that. But I still wondered.

    You have a purpose. Your posts always inspire me to do better with blogging. Your words are always kind and you're always the first to say you'll pray for someone when they're hurting. You've made a lasting impact on so many people.

    Perfection is overrated. (This coming from a perfectionist, lol.)

    If I may recommend a song, Define Me by Johnny Diaz has been a help over the past few days. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNHlDyxzJbM

    I will be praying for you. <3 Keep being awesome. <3

    ~Ivie|Ivie Writes

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    Replies
    1. *hugs*

      Thank you. <3

      The song is really good, thank you for the recommendation.

      Thank you for your prayers, I'll keep you in mine as well.

      Delete
    2. <3 Also if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here.

      Delete
  5. Aw this is so encouraging and uplifting, Gray. Thank you a ton for sharing.

    How am I? I'm feeling like my life is really busy. Feeling like there's a lot of stuff I need to do, but I can't get it done. Feeling like there's a lot of people relying on me to have things together.

    God doesn't love us because we're beautiful. We're beautiful because he loves us.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jane!

      I know that feeling, I'll be praying for you. <3

      That's so true!

      Delete
  6. Hey Gray! I really really liked this post. It's so true- when someone asks you how are you doing and you just answer yes, sometimes the people walk away as they say it. Which is funny at time but most of the time it is startling and a tad bit scary because it makes you feel like no one cares..
    I feel like I am always saying this because I don't want to "trouble" people about my life.
    Gray you are going to make it. You are a freshman in high school so there not really a need to be worried about it:) I do want to say taking the ACT or SAT in the future you want a lot of practice.

    Man, this is gonna be a long comment, my apologize.

    One really stressful time in my life I got a fortune cookie, I don't believe those but the saying on mine was really confusing yet deep. "Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."
    I also don't like spilling the beans because I have some serious trust issues, like talking about this is just stressful LOL but seriously.
    Luke 2:25 "Who of you can add a single day to your life by worrying?"

    Gray you are amazing and you got this. Sure you are imperfect but you are THE Imperfect Yet Utterly Amazing Gray. Plus, can I just say that you have touched millions of people!? Girl, there is two things you are NOT- dumb and meaningless.

    Hang in there! Will be praying!
    -Ry @ https://greenacresfarmgirlliving4god.blogspot.com/

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. It's sad to realize that.

      I'm afraid of troubling people as well.

      I know I will, and you will too!

      Monster comments are fine and welcomed. ^_^

      That's so cool how God use that to speak to you!

      Aww, thank you so much. <3

      Delete
  7. Hi Gray! Thanks for this post.

    If you want I am willing to help you out with your math. We can Skype sometime and screen share and then we can see what could help you. I know that it might not help since you've been working with a teacher, but if you want I'm willing to be here for you. :D. Personally I enjoy Algebra and my high school math, but the subject that's killing me is Physics. It's literally driving me to tears and it's soooo bad. 😭

    But yeah, you have my email, let me know if you wanna do that.

    Ivie. I'm sorry you've been struggling. Anxiety sometimes comes from food allergies or sensitivities so you can look into that. I'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I do have some food sensitivities to really random stuff, so I might have to look into that. I've been 100% better for a while after giving everything to the Lord. While I have bad days, the good days are here and I'm honestly okay. Thanks for the tip, though. I find it very interesting. :D

      Delete
    2. Thanks, Libby!

      And I appreciate your offer greatly. <3
      I had another breakdown today, so my mom thinks it's best to switch me to more financial math after talking to a councilor, I'm going to be doing more home ec stuff now, and that might help me mentally. :)

      I had a friend in Physics last year, it sound terrible! :/

      Delete
  8. Aw, I loved reading this post Gray. <3 <3 <3 I hope everything you're learning in math will make sense to you soon. *hugs*
    Um...I'm alive? I think? XD Things have been crazy at our house and I got some news recently that some things are changing in our family so I'm getting ready for those (nothing bad; just changes). :-) That's been a little difficult. :-Z
    Praying for you!!!!! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. 3

      I'm glad you're alive, and I hope that it's easy for your family to adjust to whatever changes comes y'all's way. I'll be praying for you and your family as well. <3

      Delete
  9. The title made me think you were going to do a satire post on how to be perfect (you know, like I do on my blog. Because satire is fun ;p)

    But this is so much better ;) I too wish to be perfect... my first novel was about this. My MC is obsessed with perfection, hence the title, Perfect.

    I really love what your mom says about questioning the Creator. And you are so right... God is amazing to love us despite how we are :D

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    Replies
    1. I honestly thought about doing more of a satire post when I thought of this, but then several things happened and I just needed to get my feelings out.

      Your first novel sounds amazing and relatable.

      My mom is really wise and sometimes I forget that and she blows me away. XD

      Delete
  10. Thanks so much for sharing this, I can really relate. And that quote from the Bible was beautiful. I am a sure fan of your blog. Following you now.😊

    #sweetreats xxx www.bakingboutiquebirds.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Don't mention it, thanks for reading!

      Delete
  11. Ahhhhhh this post is just yes!!

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  12. You answered your own dilemma with the best possible way--by seeking out the Lord's Word. You are indeed, fearfully and wonderfully made, and have a unique set of talents that are yours. This too shall pass!

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  13. Thanks for featuring Donna! Her books are awesome.

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  14. THIS, WOW Gray - this is wonderful and beautiful and heart-breathtakingly familiar. I've been down that road (I AM down that road), and I can only say, "keep fighting."
    Just keep fighting.
    You're not alone.
    You are beautiful.
    You are loved.
    If you ever want to chat, drop an e-mail anytime (I mean that!). Prayers to you, sweet Gray. *Hugs*

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so so much, Kara Lynn. Prayers to you as well. <3 *hugs back*

      Delete
  15. How am I?

    I am stressed and worried. I am having a hard time with my dad right now. I want to leave and get on a plane and never come back. I feel vulnerable and exposed.

    But its ok because I know God has plans for me I don't know about and I will learn in due time.

    Thank you Gray. This post spoke to me. I don't think people ask that enough and I thank you for asking.

    Lilah
    lilahsmusicals.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry, Lia!
      I hope you get out of your valley of shadow and death soon, I'll be praying for you and your relationship with your dad. <3

      Don't mention it, I hope you feel better soon. <3 <3

      Delete
  16. It's very encouraging to see people being open and vulnerable, thank you for your honesty and courage. Thoughts and prayers as you finish the school year - this time of year is always a bit rougher, a little darker, but we'll make it through!

    I have a personality that errs on the side of depressed, especially this time of year and especially with all the amazing and difficult drastic changes happening in my life. But I am comforted knowing all the many things there are to look forward to in the future, and knowing that God has a plan through it all. Thank you for reaching out this way, it was very kind of you. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading. And yes, we will make it through. <3

      I'm glad you are seeking God in this hard time in your life!

      Delete
  17. Huh... thought I had commented on this post?

    Well, either way. I love it! It's so so true. No one is perfect, and we must just rest on Him. <3

    D.G. Snapper | silverphoenixwriter.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks, Snapper!

      It's weird about the comment, sorry. :/

      Delete
  18. I tried to contact you through your Contact page. Unfortunately, it seems to broken. Check on it, would you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, sorry! I'm working on it now. I put my email address instead for now.

      Delete
  19. GRAY, this is beautiful! I just can't thank you enough for writing it. <3

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for reading, Clare. <33

      Delete

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