12/8/18

I'm Done With Letting My Emotions Hold Me Back


Thursday night I was lying in my bed trying to get to sleep, I hadn't slept the other night (unless you call finally falling asleep around 6 am and waking up at 8 am a good night's rest), but despite how exhausted I was and how my eyes burned from too many tears and too little sleep, I couldn't seem to drift off.

My mind kept wandering and worrying. Somehow I started thinking about a friend I use to have, and how she really helped me when I was going through a lot last year. I was wishing she was still here, because it was really really nice to have a friend who understood what you were going through because they've been there.

Then I started thinking about all of the times I have been that friend in the past to someone, even if I only knew them for an hour. People use to gravitate towards me when they needed help.

I met a little girl who was worried about her mom who had just been diagnosed with cancer while teaching a summer writing class a few years back.

During a Christmas play I was in when I was twelve I was backstage waiting for my cue with a few other girls that were slightly younger than me, when one sat by me and started telling me about her dad, and how he left her and her mom.

I met a girl my age when I was eleven that everyone called stupid because she was an alcohol baby, we became friends and she told me that I was one of the only people that told her that they loved her.

A year ago I walked into a room to see a younger girl in tears because her friend just broke her leg and was rushed to the hospital, and all of her friends didn't know what to say or do. I sat with her, prayed with her, and then we walked around outside while she cried and told me how worried she was for her friend, and then after a while, those tears turned into laughter when she started telling me funny stories about her friend.

I was thinking about all of these times and I hated myself because I'd fallen out of that.

I use to be a person people could depend on. I use to be good at listening and noticing the sadness in people's eyes when they needed someone to talk to, but lately, I've been so focused on myself.

My own problems.

I'm too busy worrying about if I'm going to have a public breakdown to notice when someone else it on the verge of it.



So, I decided right there and then that I was done with focusing on myself. I really prayed to God for the first time in weeks, I told Him that I was sorry for forgetting what he put me here for--I've always felt called to help people know they aren't alone, to comfort them, and to love them.

I picked up my bible and opened it, deciding that I was going to read Proverbs because I could use some wisdom. The first two chapters were talking about understanding and how God gives us understanding. For the first time in a while, I understood.

And I thanked him for all of the emotions and struggles I've been going through with sadness, self-image, and my disgust for the scars on my hands in legs, because He gave me understanding.

Because of the loneliness I've felt, because of all of the times I felt like I just couldn't go on, because of all of the moments were I looked down at my skin and hated what I saw, because of all the times I felt like a failure, like I wasn't worth air, like I wasn't worth love, like I wasn't worth anything.

Because of all that, I get it. I understand.

And I cannot judge.

I'm no longer uncomfortable with people crying because I've cried so many times and wasn't able to stop. I've been there.

I don't know what everyone needs, but I know what I needed and still need when I'm down, and with that knowledge and God's help I know I can be there for people.

So, I prayed. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for God to lead me to people who needed my help. To people that needed a friend, someone to listen.


I prayed all that and if this was a movie or a book I would have felt something and I would have fallen asleep content and happy.

But I don't live in fiction. So after a moment of silence and me closing my eyes trying to finally fall asleep, I let out an exasperated sigh and thought, "Are you even listening, God?" before getting out of my bed to go find my mom like the tired child I am.

I ended up sleeping in my parent's bed that night.

The next morning was my co-op's Christmas party! YAY!!! I had a sensory overload + breakdown there last year, and I ended up hiding in the bathroom crying while calling my mom over and over again until she finally picked up. I went home and spent the rest of the day crying. Of COURSE, I want to do that over again this year!! was my sarcastic thought.

The party didn't turn out to be bad like I thought, in fact, I had fun and hung out with friends.


After that rather pleasant morning and early afternoon, my mom dropped me off at the homeschool choir I attend.

And that was where God decided to let me know that he had been listening after all.

He put me in the right place at the right time, because a friend I was talking to told me how stressed she was and started crying.

And I felt awful because I had known she was dealing with some stuff but I didn't know she was going through that much.

That's when it hit me, all of the people in my life that I had been hurt by because they hadn't noticed that I needed them--I was just like them.

I had been so focused on myself that I hadn't noticed that a close friend of mine needed help and support just like I did.

So, I said a word of sorry and thanks to God, and I prayed that he would give me the wisdom to know how to help my friend.


I'm not perfect, I'm still going to struggle with being selfish and let myself be too distracted by my own issues to help others, but from now on, I'm going to fight against that.

I want to be there for people.

I'm done with letting others feel as alone as I do, and I've realized through helping others and taking the focus off of myself, I feel less alone too.

To everyone I haven't been there for when I should have been, I'm sorry. With God's help, I will do better.


I'm done with letting my emotions hold me back from life, being happy, and helping others.

I am stronger than that.

This no longer defines or controls me.


Long post, but to sum it all up, I'm feeling better. 
Am I back? No ideaaaaaaa, but I did forget I had a review that I technically legally have to write and publish on here this month, soooo I'll be back for that.

Thank you guys for all the sweet comments on  my last post, they meant a lot, and it was really encouraging to read them.

How are you?


42 comments:

  1. <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

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  2. I am literally almost crying right now. GRAY, THIS IS BEAUTFUL. <3 I relate to this in so many ways that I don’t even know how to explain.

    God’s timing is impeccable, isn’t it? ;)

    I’m so glad you had this beakthrough, and I feel so inspired just reading your new “mission statement,” if you will. Thank you for making this post - so many people need to read it. I wish you luck and peace in the coming months! <3

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    1. Thank you, Nicole! I'm glad you found a piece of yourself in this. <3

      Yes, his timing certainly is. <33

      Thank you so much.

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  3. You're a lovely person, Gray. The fact that you have such a heart for people is inspiring!

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    1. Aww, thank you, I try and with God's help I think I'll get there someday. <3

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  4. Wow, thank you for sharing this, Gray! I've been reading your posts for a while now, but I don't think I've commented before... all your posts are great, but this one is just wow. This really hit me hard, as it takes a lot to look past yourself and look out for others and their needs. Anyway, I loved this story of God's work in your life, so thank you for putting it out there. Your heart for reaching others is inspiring. xx

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    1. Thank you so much for reading, and for your sweet comment. <3 Welcome to my blog!

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  5. I've noticed this same thing. Normally when I'm weighed down with my own depression I rarely have room to notice others'. This is a good reminder ;) I'm glad you're seeing that, too. And I hope that things get better for you!

    keturahskorner.blogspot.com

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    1. Yes, it's so sad, because helping others really helps ourselves as well. Thank you!

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  6. ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œSounds like God’s been working wonderful things in your life๐Ÿ’–

    I think you deserve a night off so go drink some hot chcolate and get lost in another world for a few hours. ❤️๐Ÿ“–

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  7. Wow, Gray, this was so powerful. I have not read such a convicting post in a long time. Thank you for this! <3

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  8. I'm so proud of you, Gray! Writing this post that is so obviously close to your heart took a lot of courage. Know that I am praying for you. Your never alone. <3
    -Brooklyne

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    1. Thank you! I deeply appreciate your prayers. <33

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  9. Trusting in God completely is hard. And unfortunately, it's not something I do. My life with Him has been inconsistent and maybe it's time I do a blog post about that. Hold myself accountable.

    But these past two days, I've been praying, really praying, for deliverence, for opportunity, and for guidance. I've asked Him to be patient because I know I'm not going to be able to put all my trust in Him overnight. I have no reason to doubt or fear, yet here I am, a ball of fear and of doubt.

    And this post was soothing to read in a way that I know I'm not alone. I know the situations and the feelings are different, but there's still the pain and worry and distancing from God.

    And I will be praying for you. <3 Really praying, not the litte prayer I usually send up to God because I think I'm supposed to. (another thing I'm ashamed to admit.)

    I find it interesting that you've looked at yourself and don't like what you see because anytime you've posted a picture, my thoughts were always how pretty you looked and how awesome at makeup you are. No matter what lies the enemy feeds you, know you are AMAZING! <3

    I pray you have strength and that He guides you in wisdom and truth. <3 And if you ever need to talk, I'm always here to listen.

    In other news, before this comments becomes as long as one of my posts, I cannot wait for the book review because you are so amazing at those!

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    1. AND THAT BLOG HEADER IS BEAUTIFUL!!

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    2. Yes--it most certainly is, and it's something I'm bad at as well, but we can get better! I'm so sorry for what you're going through, you'll get out of this, friend! I'm praying for you. <33

      And thank you for your prayers. <3

      Thank you so much!

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  10. Wow, this is one of the most beautiful blog posts I've read in a long time! You have such a wonderful, tender heart. I really resonate with this post and wanting to focus on others more because lately I've been self-focused, too, especially with self-image, insecurities, etc., etc. It's so beautiful when we can show Jesus by just listening to someone who's hurting. I want to do more of that in the new year 100%! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing these thoughts. I can totally relate. I think I could do with reading some Proverbs for wisdom, too. :) <3

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    1. Thank you so much, Erin! That means so much to read!! <3 <3
      Proverbs is such a thought-provoking book.

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  11. You have such a selfless heart Gray, and it's an example for me to be less selfish and more in-tune with what others are feeling/struggling with. Your message gave me something to think about. Thank you! <3 I hope God blesses you richly.

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    1. I wish I could say I did, but it's all God and his conviction, but I am working on getting better. <33 Thank you so much!!

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  12. PRAISE THE LORD!! Gray, I'm so happy and excited that you're doing better! <3 God has such an amazing plan for your life.

    This post actually reminds me a lot of the song "When She Cries" by Britt Nicole. If you haven't heard it, I very much recommend it! It's so raw and real and sad, but also HOPEFUL.

    Love you, Gray! <3

    Lila @ The Red-Hooded Writer

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    1. I am! Thank you, Lila!!!

      I've heard of that song but I haven't heard it, I'm going to listen to it now! :D

      Thank you, love you too, friend!!

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  13. GRAYYYYY! Oh my goodness, this is beautiful and so heartfelt. Loads of love to you ❤️

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  14. This is beautifully written and my heart goes out to you for all you were going through. I know you will get through this. I am praying for you :) <3

    Lia

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  15. Awesome awseome! I have been praying for you. God does answer prayer and he can work in you! Life is busy here. Today I did a book tour in my blog witch is awesome!
    astorydetective.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you for your prayers! Blog tours are so fun, but I hope life gives you a second to breathe. ^_^

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  16. This is just wow. It's amazing how you actually stopped and thought about that and just everything. We of course sometimes have to take time for ourselves but we should also always try to notice others. :)

    Nabila | Hot Town Cool Girl

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    1. Yes, we should, it's a new goal of mine. Thank you!

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  17. "I'm too busy worrying about if I'm going to have a public breakdown to notice when someone else it on the verge of it."
    That's a super good point. So often I'm that person who just wants someone to notice I'm hurting and who wants to listen. It's an incredibly lonely, miserable feeling. It's so nice when someone notices and cares.

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    1. Yeah, that hit me pretty hard.
      And I often feel that way too, but I've found that the good thing about it is that it gives you the ability to help others who are in the same boat. <3

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  18. Let's hope your back! <3 No pressure though! I love that you are taking this step forward! Proud of you!
    Simply Me

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  19. SO HAPPY FOR YOUUUU! Have been praying and will continue to pray. <3

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  20. So glad to hear you've been doing better, Gray! I read a book earlier this year, and one of my takeaways was how sometimes God gives us trials so that we know how to comfort others in their own times of trial. And it's really encouraging to see you rise up and be willing to put yourself aside and help others! I'll be continuing to pray for you. :)

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Hi, wonderful human bean.
I am so happy that you took time out of your day to share your thoughts with me! :)
But please,
• Be kind • Be respectful • No swearing •
I will do my best to reply!