1/8/19

identity, dreams, and future plans // concerning my writing, my life, and the future of this tiny space on the internet


Hey all, it's been a minute, hasn't it? 



Honestly, I'm not sure where to start...

I'm happy, like really really happy.

Of course, I'm not happy 24/7, I'm still struggling with some stuff, but I haven't felt this overall stable and content in a lonngggg time.

I feel like I've finally found a place and a purpose in this world, and I know whatever happens that I have a direction.

 Finally having a direction and a path I know I want to stick to is SUCH a relief, I can't even explain it.

I'm still dealing with insecurities and downfalls, but I know I've come such a long way these past few weeks.

Which is amazing, the other day I was in a crowded room and I couldn't find any of my friends, and the old me would have sat in a corner or worse gone to the bathroom to hide in a stall and have a panic attack, but the new me remained calm and sat down across from someone I knew the name of and got to know them a bit better. 


This all brings me to my main point, I've changed. I use to be so unsure about so many things, and although I still am uncertain about a lot of stuff, I know the general direction I want to go in. I know what I want now and what I don't.

So what do I want?

I want to learn more about the Bible and the Lord. There is so much I don't know and so much I need to re-learn because I've been blindly following the wrong advice for so many years.

I want to become a friendlier and nicer person. I feel like I am overall pretty friendly, but getting out there as an introvert is hard, and I want to improve on that.

I want to be a counselor one day, I want to help people get through hard times, especially teens. I don't care if I'll never make much of myself or a lot of money out of that, I don't care about that. I want to help people, because everyone needs someone to listen.

I want to be a wife and a mother one day, and I want to stay home and homeschool and raise my kids. I've been so quiet on this for so long because I've gone to a church where not going to college and not wanting a career was looked down on. But I don't want a career, I want a family. And no, it's not "degrading", and no, I don't have "so much more potential" this is my potential.

I want to go to cosmetology school if I reach the end of high school and still haven't met anyone or if nothing else that I feel led to pursue comes up. I enjoy makeup a lot and it's one of the things I'm good at, and I think that this would be a great way to meet people and be an encouragement and friend to others. So if the door is opened in the future, I probably will step through it.


What do I don't want?

I don't want to be a published author. There. I said it. Now, maybe one day, sure. But right now even thinking about pursuing that makes me so anxious. I love writing, I truly do, but over the years that passion has started to dwindle, and I use to be afraid of that, but I'm not anymore.

It's no longer a dream of mine, and I always thought that sentence would be one I would never write, but here I am. Maybe it's time for me to make some room for other things in my life, I'm not sure what yet, but maybe this is so I can focus more on studying the Bible, but I know I won't be focusing so much on this hobby of mine.

And I'm glad I can finally admit that my heart isn't in my writing as much as it use to be, and maybe that will change one day, but until then I'm not going to stress about being a horrible writer.

I love writing, and I do believe it's one of the best ways I reach people, however, I no longer care about holding a copy of one of my books in my hands, or becoming a bestseller, those all seem like distant dreams of a different and younger girl.

I don't want to give up on this blog. I know my writing confession up there might make it seem like I'm giving up on blogging, but I don't plan to. I love too many people on this platform and I still have so many things I want to write for y'all. I still enjoy writing and I still ADORE reading. Just expect more variety in the future. I hope you guys will stick with me through these changes.

I don't want to go back to the old me. I've been so sad and so lukewarm and lonely for so long and I never want to return to that mindset and way of life.


There. I wrote it, everything I felt like I needed to write.

So, hi. I'm Gray Marie, welcome to my blog, I hope you'll stick around.

73 comments:

  1. "I feel like I've finally found a place and a purpose in this world, and I know whatever happens that I have a direction." <---- Isn't that always the best feeling? So glad you're doing well, Gray! (and for the record, I'm definitely sticking around!)

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    1. It really is. <3 Thank you, Savannah! That means so much. <333

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  2. Oh Gray, I'm so glad you have found your purpose and happiness!! I love your goals!! I have recently started to get more serious about reading my Bible too. It's really amazing all the treasures you find in the scripture when you are actually searching for them! <3333

    Love you, sweet friend!! And thanks for the follow on my blog!

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    1. Thank you so much! That's great, it's so important. <3

      No problem, I hope we can become closer once again!

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  3. Well, I'm not going anywhere, Gray <3

    I've spent a lot of time praying for you in the last year, and I'm so glad that God has finally given you piece and direction. I hope you continue to grow in him.

    And by the way, your thoughts for the future are wonderful. Cosmetology school sounds amazing, and I don't look down on you at all for wanting to be a wife and mother. That is a high and noble calling. At the moment, I don't feel called the same way (although who knows, once I get older, maybe I will), but I have so much admiration and respect for you.

    I'll still be praying for you. This was a wonderful and brave post. I'm glad you've found your peace. <3

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    1. Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️

      Your prayers mean everything, thank you so much for them.

      I know for sure that not everyone is called to it, and I am so happy for you wherever you are led in this life. <3

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  4. I'm so glad you're finding peace! Best thing ever - and I love ALL OF YOUR PLANS. Even if you never publish, can I still read your book when you're ready for eyes, that is? Because I really want to read it ;D

    keturahskorner.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you, Keturah!

      Of course! I might make it a series on this blog even. Although I'm not sure yet.

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    2. oooooohhhh make it a series on this blog! I LOVE THAT IDEA SO MUCH!

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  5. This post is beautiful. It's so encouraging and honest. It's okay to let go -- there's a certain peace in it. I hope you have a wonderful year of growth in the Lord's hands. <333

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  6. SO HAPPY YOU'VE COME TO THIS GRAY, and hey, I'm so happy you're still stinking around. And one doesn't have to be an "aspiring-to-be-published-writer" in order to blog! I'll be here reading your blog for as long as you keep it no worries ;DD

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    1. THANK YOU!! <3

      I will be here to stay at least for now! ;D Thank you. <3

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  7. Oh, I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see my favorite people grow and thrive, and you're growing and thriving, girl!! I'm so glad you can see God working in your life (and I concur about the learning more about Him goal - it's a great thing to do that I just haven't done enough of and I'm always craving more <3). And I'm really really glad you're not leaving this beautiful blog! You continue to be in my prayers <3

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  8. Wow. I’m so happy that you’re finding peace and direction at last! It’s brave of you to say that your interests are changing, even though that means change. And being a wife and mother is such a noble calling!

    I can’t wait to see what you continue to do. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here. <3

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    1. Thanks, Nicole! It needed to be said and done. <33

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  9. Awww so nice, Gray! I'm really really delighted for you!! :D
    And I'll definitely be sticking around! xD

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  10. Oh, this post is wonderful. I'm so happy that you're finding peace and purpose! Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts with us.
    ~Kathyn

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  11. *applauds* I really admire how you've been able to write these things down. Keep going! You're a wonderful person, and pursuing what you really love is inspiring. <333

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  12. I'm really glad to hear that you're finding this self-growth. And I'm glad that you're referring back to the leadership of God. I always wanted to marry really young, but that didn't work out (I mean, I'm only 21.5, but that's still older than I expected back in middle school, and I haven't even dated anyone since high school; that's just how God wanted it, I think). I'm sure that whatever you feel the Lord is leading you toward will be the best decision for you. There's no shame in being a homemaker straight out of high school, if that's a possibility for you. Also, I know that it can be hard to give up on the "I want to be a published author" thing. I halfway gave it up myself. I still consider myself a short story writer, even though I haven't been writing or submitting much over the past year or so, but I'm not worried about selling novels. Some day I'll probably want to have a nonfiction book published, but that's because it's an integral part of an academic's career (God willing I do eventually obtain my PhD). Cheers for the new year!

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    1. Thanks, Patrick, so much has happened these last few months, it really has helped me refocus on the important things.

      I'm sure God has amazing plans for you, whether you meet the one or not, although I hope you do one day.

      Thank you! Best of luck on your publishing and PhD.

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  13. Gray, your goals listed here show so much maturity, and correct focus. You have more right then some people I know in their twentys. I cannot wait to see where God takes you and I look forward to reading your upcoming blog posts. Thank you for sharing your heart, Gray. <3
    Psalm 6:9 NLT
    -Mikayla-

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    1. Thank you so much, Mikayla. I've really tried to be more open and refocusing my views and ideas.

      God bless you! <3

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  14. Sounds wonderful!
    The world says things like you need to go to college but you don't need to if you don't want to. Even i am not sure if I want to go to college and I am in 12th grade. Have not figured out what I want to go for.

    astorydetective.blogspot.com

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    1. It feels wonderful!
      There are SO many other options, I never realized that until I made older friends from different backgrounds and places.
      I hope God leads you to the best path, I'm sure He will and you will thrive. <3

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  15. I hope this year is better for you, Gray. 2018 was all in all a difficult year and I for one was glad to see it go. (also if you need someone to read your book when you're ready, you know where to find me :D)

    Praying for you everyday!

    Lia

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    1. Thank you! 2018 was so hard, but I do think helped strengthen so many people in so many different ways. Thanks! I was telling Keturah that I was thinking of making it a mini series on here. ^_^

      Thank you for your prayers.<3

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  16. I'm so excited for the new content! Getting to peek into different aspects of your thoughts + life sounds awesome.

    It sounds like you've done a lot of growing in the past few months, especially since you truly became a Christian. I'm so happy for you!! Even though my life goals and outlook differ from yours, yours are equally important and valid. Education is critical, but it doesn't have to come in the form of a four-year-degree. It can come in the form of all those other things you mentioned--counseling others, raising children, and pushing yourself to meet more new people. (And I agree with you on not wanting to be published. I always want to write, but putting that out into the world appeals to me less and less as the years go on.) Like you said, different people have different potential, talents, and dreams. If yours is to have a family, go for it!! I'm so happy you feel this happy + purposeful, and you have my best wishes as you go forward from here. <3

    Eleanor | On the Other Side of Reality

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    1. I'm glad you're excited! I am too, it really feels time for me to branch out. ^_^

      Thank you, I hope I have. It's been such a light in my life, things are truly different when you have hope in the future. Thanks for respecting my views and ideas, I respect yours as well, and I hope you're happy in whatever path or direction you choose in life. <3
      Yes, there are so many different types of smarts and skills!

      Thank you so much, Eleanor. Have a great day. <3

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  17. WOW. This is beautiful Gray! To come to the realization that your heart is no longer at getting published and admitting it when it's been your dream for so long, is both terrifying and freeing. You're making room for new dreams and that takes courage!!!!
    As for counseling others, that's amazing!!! That's also one of my dreams and I'm in the current process of trying to decide if I want to take classes for that. AND final note, I love that you're okay with being a housewife. That is just as amazing a dream as any -- so happy and encouraged to read your post, girl!

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    1. Aww, thank you so much, Kara Lynn! I've known it for a while but I was afraid to admit it, it's hard to let dreams go even when you know your heart isn't in it anymore.

      I hope to take a counseling course in the future as well! I've heard it can be very secular because a lot of Psychology was based on disproving God, (see any theories of Sigmund Freud) but I hope to go to a more Christian course in the future to get my certificate so I can work from home when my kids are in high school, which is what my therapist does. <3

      Thank you so much for your encouragement!

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  18. I had a smile through this post because you said you were happy and that makes me so happy. <3

    I will stick with you no matter what your blog is about. Even if it stops being about writing or books or anything to do with the writing world and it becomes about makeup (because you are an expert <3) or lifestyle posts, or Bible-related posts, I will always be here to read your posts and cheer you on.

    I look forward to seeing what content you have coming up and what God has planned for you. <3 <3 <3

    (I will forever ship Jiper, though. Once I ship, I can't stop. 😜😜)

    God bless you, girl. <3

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    1. Awww. <333

      Thank you so much, Ivie! It means so much!! I was actually thinking about doing a makeup post sometime.

      Lol, thank you. ^_^

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  19. Yay!! I'm so glad you've found a place where you can be happy, be yourself, and do what you love doing!!

    Seriously, the women in my life that I most admire happen to be those dear homeschooling mothers. They are some of the most hard-working, most kind and patience, and most EPIC people ever. I want to be just like them someday!

    And PLEASE don't go anywhere...I love reading your blog, with the sarcasm and the bluntness and beautiful pictures. It's such a treasure of a blog, and you're a treasure of a person - always so kind and encouraging.

    (Though I wouldn't cry if I got to read Of Broken Things someday...you've hyped us all up for the epic book it's gonna be!)

    A few years ago, I went into a writing funk and decided I didn't want to do it anymore because I wasn't ever going to actually get published. Well, a week passed and I found that I wanted to get back to it. Sometimes all we need is a quick break. And the nice thing about writing is that you can do it on the side - just write a few lines now and then. It won't go anywhere and can sit and wait as long as you need it to!

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    1. Also, btw, a few of us are reading through the M'Cheyne reading plan. It's about 4 chapters of the Bible a day. If you feel like jumping in and joining us. :)

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    2. Thanks, Julian! I do not plan on going anywhere, don't worry!

      I hope to make OBTAPS a series on here one day, it could be cool.

      Thanks! I'm currently on a reading plan, but I'll check it out. :D

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    3. Yes!!! A blog series would be so cool!!!

      (Also, will you be changing the blog name?)

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    4. I'm not sure yet, I don't even know what I would change it to, lol..

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  20. I'm so so so glad you're in a good place, my friend. I really am so happy for you 💕 I know what it feels like to be lost and then find direction and purpose and the feeling is the best :) sending you lots of love and hugs xxxx

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  21. I'm so happy that you are starting to see more clearly the plan God has for you, Gray! Keep trusting Him. And it's totally ok that your plans for the future are changing. Dreams change as we get older. Follow your dreams, not matter how they grow or change. Praying for you in this new season!
    -Brooklyne

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    1. Thanks, Brooklyne! I think I'm starting to. <3

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  22. One of my biggest dreams is to be a wife and mother too. I fantasize about raising a child and pray for my future husband sometimes, whoever he might be - and if the Lord tarries long enough that He has one for me. :) You're absolutely not alone in that hope! <333

    Whatever you post about, I'll be here to read it. <3 God bless you, Gray!!

    Lila @ The Red-Hooded Writer

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    1. Same here! I hope we both find someone one day. <3

      Thank you, God bless you as well!

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  23. Seriously, AWESOME POST! Good for you for not being afraid to say that you want to be a wife and mother. It's so sad that society seems to look down on that. I mean, MOMS RAISE THE FUTURE, PEOPLE! Being a good wife and mother is easily one of the most important jobs ever. :) And I am beyond happy that you are feeling better and happier! I feel it in my bones; I know you'd make a great counselor. ;) God bless! <3

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    1. Thank you!! I don't understand how we got to the point where this was so looked down on, it's so sad. <3

      Awww, thank you so much!!

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  24. I can't believe 2018 is over! - Jose

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  25. Congratulations for becoming a Christian and finding your purpose and direction! I've been reading your blog for a while, so I'm glad that you will continue writing here. :)

    I used to really want to become a published author too, but when I started thinking about what God was calling me to, I realized that having that goal just sucked the joy out of my writing. I still love to write, but it is so relieving just to write for fun.

    And don't let anyone get you down for wanting to be a mother instead of having a career. Being a wife and a mother is not only so important, it's a blessing and a calling from God.

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    1. Thank you so much! <3 I plan on sticking to this place!

      It sucked the joy out for me as well.

      Thank you. <3 <3

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  26. I'm glad you're much better now ^^

    I want to learn more about the Bible as well. A lot of us are taught so many things that aren't even that Biblical :(

    Oh? I thought you said you changed into an extrovert? Or have I been misinterpreting that?

    Being a stay at home mum is great! I think I'll have to be one myself at some point because I don't trust people out there. I've seen too many stories about perverted and disgusting baby sitters. So no way.

    I hope you meet a great guy as well! ;)

    Aw maaan! Obviously you can do what you want but I was really looking forward to your future works. I hope you accomplish your new goals anyway ^^

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    1. Thank you! <3

      Yes, it's amazing how easy it is to be mislead on so many things.

      I was more of an extrovert before, but I had a really bad breakdown and a bad mental period which has made me really quiet, although I am getting better.

      Same here! I don't trust the school system to boot.

      I hope to maybe make it a mini series, so you might read it yet. ^_^

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  27. *sends hugs*

    I think it's awesome that you're putting so much thought into what YOU want, Gray. Because not all of us want the same things!!! I went on kind of the opposite journey of you . . . I used to be afraid to say "I want to be a published author," so I pretended that wasn't what I wanted. Now, though, I'm at the point where I'm okay with saying out loud it IS my dream. But it doesn't have to be everybody's dream!!! We're all different and God leads us to do and try different stuff.

    I think your goals sound wonderful and I'm really excited to see where they take you <3

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    1. Thanks, Jessica. 💕💕💕

      Thank you! I've been re-evaluating so many things these past weeks. I'm so glad you're following your dreams to be published, that's amazing!! <3

      Thank you so much. ❤️

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  28. Reading this post was like taking a deeeeep, long breath of fresh air. SO SOOO SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPPPYYYY!!!!!!!! Been praying for you, my sweet bean. I've been going through struggles of my own, feeling lost and afraid of the future, but I'm getting better. <3 Love ya.

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    1. Awww, I'm so glad it made you happy, friend! <33 Thank you so much for your prayers, I deeply appreciate them. <3 I hope you feel better soon, praying for you! Love you too. <33

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  29. *Grey* I hope my readers stay!

    Psh. As if you could get rid of us if you wanted to.

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  30. <3 <3 <3 Gray, you are so amazing!!!! I am having such a hard time (well, mostly last year, I'm not stressing as much now) on deciding what to do with my life, I think that it is so great that you know what you are going for!!!! This is so exciting, I can't wait to hear more about it. <3 <3 <3

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    1. Thanks, Claire! You are too. <3 <3 <3 I'm so sorry you went through so much stress I know how awful that can be. Recently I read through 1 Peter and in chapter 1:7-17 it talks about gold being tested by fire and comparing it to the trials we face in our lives. The whole first chapter of 1 Peter is super encouraging. <33

      Thank you!

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  31. I'm glad your doing good, Gray. It's cool that your figuring out what you really want in life. I think it's brave to admit that one of your dreams has changed. <333

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  32. This...was fabulous. Stay true, dear. <3

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  33. this was such a beautiful confession. thank you for being so honest.

    I remember when I started to realize my fiction writing was kinda dead. it hurt. it sucks to feel like a dream is slipping away or youre afraid youll "settle." but ive made peace with it. my writing has changed, just like I have. and thats okay.

    Im proud of you for being real about what you want. good for you. dont settle into a life thats expected of you or one you used to want. go for what makes you happy to be alive. Im proud of you!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading. <3

      It's very hard to admit something like that, but at the end of the day I'm so glad I did.

      Thank you so much for your encouragement!

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  34. *sighs with relief* Another book dragon who doesn't want to be a published author. I thought I was the only one!

    There was a time when I thought that's what I wanted to be, and since everyone else who loved to read wanted to be a published author I thought WELL OF COURSE THAT'S MY DREAM TOO.

    But... its really not. And I've finally accepted that.

    I'm so glad to hear about the great things happening in your life, Gray. God has big plans for you. I know it. <33

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    1. It's a bit rare isn't it? Lol.

      I'm so glad you've also accepted it, it's such a relief!!

      Thank you. <33

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