2/1/19

Therapy session: why


"We've talked about how you feel about you going through this time of depression and anxiety before," my therapist said to me during my last session with her, "What do you think now?"

 I paused before answering,

"I think I am learning why all of this happened to me." 

"And what are the whys?" She clicked her pen on her notebook.























I look down at my hand, today it looks worse, the patches are swollen and red. "I know this isn't even close to a disfigurement, but because of my legs and hand, I understand a bit."

And that's when I realized I wouldn't change any of it. The doctor using liquid nitrogen twice in two years on what turned out to be just eczema and now I am scarred.

"I think the reason I had no friends for so long was so I would understand how loneliness felt."

Deep loneliness. Walking into a room full of people at church after a massive breakdown, people that I have known for years, and realizing I had no one to go to and that no one cared.

"I know how it feels to feel worthless and to want to die." 

Not being able to get out of bed, not being able to stop crying. Running into bathrooms to have a panic attack inside the stall.

 Not being able to breathe. 



"I know how it feels to be vulnerable and to just get laughed at." 

"Are you okay, Grace?" the pastor asked me.

I stifled a laugh, I was pretty sure my bloodshot eyes from crying answered that pretty well. "No," I kept walking, I already had a breakdown, I just need to get through youth group.

"You'll get through it, you have to." He clapped me on the back and I felt tears welling in my eyes, and all of a sudden the room spun and everything was too bright. People could see me. I couldn't stay, I was unsafe.

I walked away from him to the door, I turned my head a bit as I stepped out, people were watching me, but no one followed me and I realized the truth.

Their hearts were as empty as their words. 

I try to see the good in people but I can't deny that I've seen and felt the ugly.

And I've been hurt by people that were supposed to protect me, by people I should have looked up to.

But I understand why now. 

I want to help heal people, I want to reach out, and now I can.

Pain heals.

My pain can heal others because I know what it's like, and letting people know that they're not alone is powerful.

People are like oceans, there are depths we'll never explore.




But there are some people who are unaware of that depth in others. People who view themselves as superior, whether they realize it or not.

Life isn't a book, you aren't the main character.

And I'm still working on remembering that, but all of this has helped me realize that it isn't about me.

So many people have gone through worse, so many people are going through similar emotions to mine.

"I'm glad fifteen happened," I told my therapist.

"Why is that?"

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Loneliness. Knowing no one cares. Can't breathe. Can't stop crying. Being laughed at. People joking about me killing myself. Finding out a person I thought was my friend was just using me. "Friends" lying behind my back, hearing the stories from others. Hearing messed up stories about my outer family. Seeing the hurt that all of this caused. Wanting to die. Looking at objects and wondering if I should just end it. Feeling pointless. Worthless. What's the point? Why go on? Feeling stupid. Used. No one understands. No one will ever understand. Staring in the mirror. Who am I? I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm exhausting to others. What's the point? I'm worthless. Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless. Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless. Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless. Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I feel worthless.  Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. I'm worthless. 

I feel worthless.


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"Because... I think it taught me empathy." 




Hey, all.

I know this was different, but I'm thinking of starting a series called Therapy session, in it I'll be either talking about my experiences or just writing to the reader. To give you an idea, my post Don't Hold Back was written with this in mind, and I got a lot of positive responses to it.

So here it is, the first *official post* for this series. I was a bit more vulnerable than usual in this one because I thought it would be good to share a bit of my own thoughts and experiences before we began, and yes, all of the stories/examples in this post are true.

Tell me what you think.



40 comments:

  1. I'm speechless. <3 My heart hurts for you and what happened. Looking at the whys has to be hard, but Gray, you are brave and strong for looking at them anyway. <3 God bless you, girl. You know where to find me if you need to talk to me for anything else. <3

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    Replies
    1. Aww, Ivie, thank you so much! That means the world. <3 <3

      Delete
  2. This! I have no words... I totally support you in doing this series. I, for one, can't wait for more!

    Lia

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  3. Oh, Gray! Thank you for this post... and I totally support this series! <333

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  4. This may or may not have made me cry. So... yups.



    <3

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  5. Thus was so honest and real. Thank you for sharing 💕

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  6. I want to clap and also cry. Please keep doing more of these. There are so many people on the internet who are putting on a fake personality in order to fit in with all the smiling faces, but we're all just hurting, and I love when people are honest. Please keep doing this.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for reading and your encouragement, Bethany! Honesty is needed so much and I hope I can be honest and helpful on here. <3

      Delete
  7. I have friends who have struggled or are currently struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I hope you can write a post on what others can do (or not do) for friends who struggle with this. I know that I've always wanted to do something or say something to help, but I've never known how to. This was so raw and honest. You are not alone.

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    Replies
    1. That's a great idea, I'll try to do that. It's hard to help friends who are hurting, just being there for them and being a safe person to talk to can mean the world to people struggling.

      You're not alone either.💕

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  8. This was heart wrenching to read. I'm glad your not in that place anymore, and I think sharing things like this can help people going through similar stuff. This is the kind of blog content I look for. I love when people are genuine. Especially about the hard stuff. <333

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    1. I'm glad I'm not either, it was hard. Thank you so much for reading and reading your comment was so encouraging, thank you. <33

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  9. THIS WAS AMAZING. It reminded me of NF's music quite a bit (I admire and love him so much -- totally recommend his music if you haven't already taken a listen).
    This was all so beautiful and heart breaking and amazing and inspired. <3 *Hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can see how it would remind you of his music, I've listened to a few of his stuff and I support his "real music" genre.

      Thank you so much. <3

      Delete
  10. Oh Gray... you are not alone. I have felt this way as well, just wanting to die and not have to face this world and the crazy people in it anymore.

    I am so glad that you are doing better! <33 It takes God to get us out of places like that and He never fails. I love these posts of yours, they're real and raw and emotional and few people have the guts to open up like that (I don't, for example).

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    1. Thank you for being so honest, even online I know it's difficult. It means so much to read that though, you aren't alone either. You never have been.

      Yes, He never fails. <3 Maybe one day you will, or maybe you won't, and that's okay, because at the end of the day you have a lot of understanding and you'll be able to let people know they aren't alone. Hurt people are everywhere, it's amazing how God can use you. <3 <3 Don't be hard on yourself, it's a process we're all going through.

      Delete
  11. That was beautiful and heartbreaking, Gray. <333 *hugs tight*

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  12. You're an important part of this blog community, Gray. God bless.

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    Replies
    1. That means a lot to read, thank you. God bless you as well!

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  13. Wow. Gray this is probably my favorite thing of yours. It felt real. Real as in raw and painful. I so know what you mean by that why . . . it does help us feel empathy. You are a beautiful person, Gray! I think you're adorable (I'm honest here, I've always thought you look so cute!). And I'm so glad you're no longer believing the lies that you're worthless. Because you are so not.

    keturahskorner.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for reading, Keturah. Your encouragement means so much more to be than words can express <3

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  14. Wow Gray. This was. Amazing. You're amazing. Keep writing. :)

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  15. You are a beautiful soul! I am so happy for you and this journey you are taking. Never stop sharing and being vulnerable and real. It helps many! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awe, so are you! Thank you. <3 Never stop sharing either, you're inspiring. <3 <3

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    2. Girl Thank you! I started a newsletter that I will mention in a post soon. You will love it. It's for girls striving for daily wellness. Goes out every Monday!

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    3. That's so wonderful! I'll be keeping an eye out for that!! :D

      Delete
  16. So I started to comment on this twice and had stuff come up both times...*facepalm* But seriously, Gray, you are such an encouraging and brave gal. It's beautiful that you are able to see good in the trials that God sends your way! About cried, I did...

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    1. That always happens to me to, it's the worst!
      Thank you so much, Julian. <3 <3

      Delete
  17. This means so much to me because while I was never nearly as severe as some people have been, I too have struggled with depression and feelings of being worthless in the past. I am fortunate enough to have gotten through it without having to seek therapy or anything, but I definitely know at least a shadow of the pain you've opened up about here.

    I'm so glad you've been able to come through this and learn something from it. Stay strong, and keep on. <3

    theonesthatreallymatter.blogspot.com

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    1. Any pain is pain, and I'm glad you can relate, but I'm also sad for what you went through. I know it's hard, but I am so happy you made it through. <3

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  18. Painfully accurate. I'm glad I'm not there anymore.<3

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Hi, wonderful human bean.
I am so happy that you took time out of your day to share your thoughts with me! :)
But please,
• Be kind • Be respectful • No swearing •
I will do my best to reply!