The Fear

I have hesitated to write this post because I feel very immature and silly when it comes to this fear of mine.

I'm pushing past that and writing this because perhaps my words will help someone realize that they aren't alone because I know this fear is common...

I'm afraid of being single.

Currently, I am sixteen, I'm single, and I've never dated.

My mom is against me dating until I am eighteen, apart from maybe group dates, and I'm fine with that. I believe that it isn't wise to date unless you're able to get married, I also want to try to avoid breakups and heartbreak as much as possible.

I am fine with being single right now. Completely happy.

I don't go to events and places looking for "the one", I don't care if I meet a guy at a conference or not, because that's not my goal in going to things like that. I also don't know what I would do if someone tried to pursue me, so I'm trying to play it safe and just make friends.

I know I have a lot of growing to do and things to learn and work on, so I'm taking the rest of my time in high school to focus on my relationship with the Lord and others.

So, Gray, if you say you are happy where you are right now, why are you afraid of being single? You're probably wondering.

Well, the thing is, I'm not really afraid of being single, I'm afraid of remaining single.

There's always that big "what if" when it comes to my dreams for the future. I want to be a wife, a mother, a homeschool mom that teaches her kids to love the Lord, reading, and to be kind, but what if I never meet someone? 

A lot of people laugh at me when I say this fear out loud. Of course, you'll meet someone! They say, rolling their eyes at me.

....But when I look around I see so many amazing older women who have been looking for years and haven't found someone, so why would I be any different? Why would I have no trouble finding "the one" when this woman who I look up to so much has been single for years?

If these amazing ladies are still single, what hope is there for me?

I know God has a plan for each of us and that His plans for me aren't the same as His plans for someone else, but what if this fear becomes a reality?

I'm pretty good at pushing these thoughts to the back of my mind, I'm sixteen, this shouldn't be what I'm primarily focusing on right now.

It doesn't help that several of my friends are dating.
Do I want to be them? No.
Several friends of mine just went through breakups and are devastated, so I definitely am wary of high school relationships.

However, everyone starts dating so young it seems, what if by the time I'm older all the good ones are taken?

I'm bad at staying out of the comparison trap, but all my friends seem to be so noticed by everyone, and I'm just... not. I don't feel good enough to be noticed or liked. I don't feel worthy. I know that's my insecurity speaking for me, and while I'm working to get over my insecurities, they still feel so real and correct.

I don't want to be noticed right now, for the record, but when everyone else is getting noticed, you start to wonder if it will ever be your turn.

What if I'm never noticed? 

Will I be okay with that? I know I will have to learn, and I pray that I'll have the strength to go on.

And I think that's the problem.

That fear of never being able to live the life I think would be most fulfilling for me. I keep clinging onto the hope of it instead of to the Lord.

It's ultimately God's life, not mine. It's His timing, not mine. I can stress about it, sure, but in the end, what good does that do?

 And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith? -Luke 12:25-31

I have realized that worrying really won't help in the slightest. Will I still worry about this? Yes. Will there be nights when this fear keeps me awake? Possibly. 

Throughout that, I need to remind myself that God's got this. All I can do, all I need to do, all I was made to do was to worship and obey Him. And if I'm doing those two things, I know that I'll be on the right track, whether single or not. 

I'm going to be okay no matter what because in the end, I belong to the creator of this universe and I am loved by Him, the only one who truly matters. The only one I need.

Dear reader,

I don't know what place you are in while reading this. You could be ten and far from thinking about serious relationships, maybe you're in the weird middle part like me, and too young to be a woman and too old to be a child. Or you could be older and searching or not searching, or settled down.

No matter what, I want to remind you that no matter where you are in life when it comes to dating, struggles, and mental health, that you're not alone, no matter what. Trust and obey the Lord, my friend, that is all we can really do in this life and what a blessing it is.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you -1 Peter 5:7

Where are you in life right now? 
What words of encouragement do you need on this topic (or anything, I'm here, fren!)?  


  1. Thank you so much for being raw with us, Gray! It's a sigh of relief to know that I'm not the only one who fears this now and again. For me, it isn't a prominent fear, but this small little ache in the back of my mind. But, when I'm awake at night or restless, a lot of fears are awakened—a lot of times, I didn't even realize that those fears were there and had taken root. In Philippians 4:8, it says that and idle mind is the enemy's playground—when our minds start to wander, even the tiniest fears become so big!! I always like to remind myself when I lay awake at night that God hasn't given me a spirit of fear, but of power and LOVE and a sound mind. I remind myself every day that we are ONE with God, and it doesn't mean that we are God, but we're a part of him, so whatever doesn't apply to him, doesn't apply to us. So if God has no right to fear, then neither do I! Love ya, Gray! <3

    1. That's how it is for me as well, a feeling in the back of my head. Your words are so true and so encouraging! Love you too, and I always love reading your thoughts. <3 <3

    2. Sometimes it's the littlest things that we try to push back as no big deal, but when we try to clean it up later, we find out that it was much larger than we thought. That's why the best battle plan is to uproot it before it has time to grow!
      That makes me so happy to know, Gray!! I love our conversations too, friend. <3

    3. Truth! <3 <3
      Our conversations are always a highlight. :)

  2. this was beutiful; <3
    for me, i am also afraid of remaining single for the rest of my life. falling in love for me, however, is very easy (love being a hopeless romantic), except the people i fall for are just completely out of my league. (i'm also extremely single right now and it kinda sucks tbh).

    1. Thanks for reading, Mckenzie!
      I can relate to the feeling of helplessness when it comes to people we perceive as out of our league, but I believe we truly are our own harshest critics. Stay strong, friend. <3

  3. Instead of making your goal marriage, which is a thing to look forward to, but isn't exactly a thing one can simply work forward to, especially if you have never dated before. Make it something else to keep your mind off it, because it WILL come eventually just shouldn't be your main mindset, is to figure out what kind of job(s) you want to do, and then work slowly towards them or it, do a bit of a thing that would help you get to that job everyday, and perhaps through doing that you will find someone who interested in similar things when you have reached that goal, and perhaps it will develop into a romance, but the romance part shouldn't be part of your main mindset, it can be a small thing you want to happen, instead find something else to focus on.
    This just some advice, and I hope it helps.

    1. P.S. I hope my advice helps you overcome your fear. :)

    2. I appreciate your advice, marriage is a goal of mine for sure, but I do have others. Never fear! I'm not one to put all my eggs in one basket. ;D However, motherhood is a big dream of mine and I've decided to stop pretending it's not, I don't want a career and that's okay. I do have other things I want to accomplish though, and I am working towards them. <3

    3. I never said you should stop wanting to be a mother, or pretend not to want it.
      I only suggest that you keep your mind open, and not only focus on marriage, because I think it would be healthy and perhaps think of other goals to do other as well as that as a long term goal.
      But finding a job/hobby (not necessarily a career, though I do think one would actually be useful for you) that you like in the meantime would be useful to do, I think. Like it could be as simple as wanting to learn to sew or knit or sing, or something else along those lines.
      I hope that clears up any confusion :),

    4. Oh no! Don't misunderstand me, I didn't misunderstand you! Lol. I understand the point you're getting at, and I have been doing what you've advised. <3
      I have plenty of other goals, I plan to go into counseling and pursue a path of becoming a therapist. This post was just focusing on this dream of mine, it doesn't mean that I don't have other plans and hobbies. :)

    5. That's awesome that you want to be a therapist, Gray. :D

  4. I totally understand, Gray, and it's not a silly, laughable fear. Many people fear this thing you fear .. were created to love and be loved, to not be alone but to be part of another person. The thing is we live in a broken world and not all of us will find that other one, thus your fear is very real.
    (also, heartbreak stinks. So don't let your fear ever lead you into jumping in a quick relationship. On the same hand, don't let your fear of heartbreak keep you from learning to love and trust someone. It's one of those scary risks you just gotta make ;)
    As for marriage as a goal, I think it should be more of a desire. Never let it die, but have other goals. For me, I'd like to maybe someday get married (I'm not as desperate as I was when I was younger though). But marriage is simply a strong desire that I have no sway over. Goals on the other hand are things I can currently devote my time on and develop, not wait on. Goals might include creating the sort of habits and attributes you need in order to be a godly wife, but they can also include physical goals such as writing, work, career, education, politics, prolife work, mission work, travel, etc. One thing that will greatly help your fear and calm your desire is to find productive goals to be content with for now.
    But don't let your desire die ... just let it rest safely as you pursue things that offer salve to your waiting time ;)
    Lovely post!


    1. Personally, I don't believe in "the one", I believe one can get along with many different personalities.
      Thanks for your advice! I am working towards other goals, it's so important. <3

  5. I get you. I feel the same way sometimes. I want to think about my life now though, the time to find some one will come. God's got you Gray! ;)


  6. I feel the same way. Having dreams where I keep dreaming about the same person and feeling like they are my soul mate, and wondering if he's dreaming about me, and wondering when I get to meet him in real life... it's hard. I want to find "the one" because I had always hoped to marry slightly young. I wanted to be younger, married, and maybe have kids after a year or so of getting used to marriage. Yet here I am, at 20, single. It can be tough, but you are not alone. It's not silly.

    You will find someone. God has this and He has you. <3

    1. <3 <3 <3 Praying for you, E.B! There's a season for everything it seems. Stay stong, love you! <3

  7. I'm glad you're getting perspective on this. So many people much older than you never do. I've come across many people, male and female, who are absolutely desperate to find "the one." They will not rest until they are settled down with someone--anyone!
    I can't personally relate to this worry. (I'm 24 going on 25 and have never dated. I look around at the options and think, "yeah, no.") But I can tell that you value God's plan for your life and whatever happens, you'll always have Him. He notices you and will fulfill your longings and loneliness like no man ever could.
    Keep doing his work.

    1. Thank you for your insightful words of encouragement, A.L! Keep doing His will as well. <3

  8. I think dating as a teenager is unwise too. I've very rarely seen it work out in the long run, not in my family or my church or anywhere. (There ARE a few exceptions! But not many.)

    I love this post so much. It's so encouraging, and although I'm not struggling with this particular fear right now, the general theme of NOT WORRYING because GOD'S GOT IT has encouraged me in a few other areas of my life where I'm struggling with fear.

    Beautiful post. <3

    1. I've observed the same thing when it comes to that. :/

      Thanks for reading! Always trust in him <3

  9. It's so incredibly strong + brave of you to be so open like this, Gray <3 thank you for writing this! You're such a faithful, lovely girl, I'm sure you'll grow into a woman that will be noticed by the right kind of man. (Idk if that's helpful or rings empty because I'm sure plenty of people have been saying that to you, but it's how I feel.) Some people like me hardly have a maternal bone in their bodies (and I'm okay with that!), but you'll be a fantastic mother + wife someday. I just know it <3

    - Eleanor

    1. It is helpful and encouraging to read that, thank you so much. <3

  10. I think everyone gets this fear at some point. I think as long as you don't dwell on it too much, your on the right path. <3

  11. Oh my goodness. Gray. Once again, the perfect post at the perfect time.

    This is the exact place I'm at right now as well. You expressed my fears so well in this post that... I literally teared up. I almost started crying.

    I too am sixteen, have friends who are in relationships, and on top of that they've had other guys notice them as well! Then there's me... also known as Miss Invisible, it seems. I too have the fear at the back of my mind saying, What if I never get married? What if I never get married? What if I-- ...and you know how it goes. :P

    Sometimes (okay, a lot) I get into despair-mode (which isn't healthy, I know, and I don't recommend it, nor do I want to be in it) where I drive my mom crazy by making a reference to the kids I'll never have or the guy I'll never meet, or talking about how I'd be a better aunt than mom, etc. etc...

    Yeah. So I completely relate and understand how you feel Gray. It's NOT silly, it's something I know many girls struggle with. Like my mom tells me all the time, few people are destined to be single forever. Though I know it's hard to believe, and I'd certainly rather get married sooner than later!

    And as Mrs. Dashwood from 'Sense and Sensibility' (by Jane Austen) said to her daughter, "Marianne, you are not yet seventeen. It is a little early to despair of finding happiness."... exactly what I need to hear. :P Have you read that book? I re-read it recently and it was PERFECT for helping me think healthfully about my dreams for the future (specifically when it comes to marriage)- and to wait for someone like Colonel Brandon. Or Mr. Knightley from Jane Austen's 'Emma'.

    Any book by Jane Austen is great for helping me to realize that more than likely God has some guy out there perfect for me, and if he doesn't resemble Mr. Knightley or Mr. Darcy in character, integrity, kindness, consideration for others, and moral values, he's not worth having. ;)

    God bless you Gray! I want you to know that I pray for you and other blogger friends every night. I'll begin to pray specifically for peace for you in this area. <33

    1. Aww, Kendra! My heart goes out to you because I know how painful and distressing that fear can feel at times! Don't worry, we'll get through this together. <3 Don't let despair mode control your life! And I LOVE that quote, Jane Austen's books always have so much wisdom in them, I adore her writing. <3

      I'm praying for you as well, sweet friend! <33

  12. Yikes. I think every girl has this fear. I am 14, but sometimes I wonder the same things.

    1. God made you perfectly and wonderfully, Lilly! I can't promise that you'll meet someone in the future, because unlike the Lord I do not know what tomorrow brings, however, I can promise you that He has a plan for you. The creator who made you and I loves us very much, and I find so much comfort in that, I pray you will too. <3

  13. I can relate to this so much, not just for me but for other people in my life as well. I used to be a whole lot worse than I am now; in fact I hardly ever think about it anymore, which I guess is a testament to how far God's brought me.

    But it's hard! And I pray that God will help you too. <3 <3


    1. I'm so glad that you're doing better! It's a hard struggle. Thank you <3

  14. I relate to this SO much!! Like you, I chose not to date in high school, thinking it wiser not to get involved in that. I just finished my first year of college, and I still feel unnoticed, and so now the fear is starting to creep in that maybe I'll end up being that woman who stays single for a long time. It happens to some people, why not me? I think my biggest worry is that I won't be able to find someone with whom I share enough beliefs that we could realistically spend our lives together. I have very strong opinions on a lot of things and I'm starting to feel like there is no guy in the world with whom my values are compatible. Even among Christians there is so much variation, and there are certain things that you just practically have to agree on in order to make a life together.
    So anyway. All of that to say, you are not alone, and this is my fear too. But I'm preaching the same truths to myself that you mentioned: as long as I am following and serving God, that is enough.

    1. <3 <3 <3
      I get that fear, I use to have it! Luckily, I found a really good community of Christians and we're all very united, I pray you find one as well.
      Keep on keeping on, friend! <3

  15. I am praying for you, dear. I know this is a legitimate fear for a lot of girls, and although I don't struggle with it at this point, I have a feeling I might in the future because...most girls do end up feeling this way.

    Your post was an encouragement to me, nevertheless, and I was able to apply its meaning to some of the things I DO worry about.

    Again, thank you!!! *Hugs*

    ~ Lily Cat (Boots) | lilycatscountrygirlconfessions.blogspot.com


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